Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Visions Of The Past

I am awake all night. I can not sleep . I am in a mind whirl again. I had my appointment with my counselor yesterday and every time I go to these meetings I leave with all the stuff still going in my head. It is not my counselors fault,it is no fault of any one. I am trying so hard to forget about my mother,my brother, and my sisters. It is for the best because of all the anxiety and stress I have when I am around them or when I talk to them in any way. I keep trying to go to sleep but all I can do is think about the past. It won't leave me alone. The past is a place that is full of fear,anger, sadness, all the emotions of my childhood come back to haunt me after these sessions.I know that it is good for me to talk and get it out but that's the problem, I don't talk a whole lot about my childhood, not in a whole lot of detail. Maybe that is why I am having these visions of being locked up in our bedroom all day sometimes,seeing my mother soaked in blood, something we were not supposed to see. I see maggots on our bed that has been soaked over and over with urine," sleep in it, you did it !" That is what I hear my mother say after she flips it over. I am running to catch up with my brother and sister after school because they know I will get in trouble if I don't get home with them. I am sent to that bed! "Get to bed ,you were playing around! I know you can get here with them if you weren't playing around with that friend of yours again."These memories and more keep whirling around in this head of mine when I am trying to get some sleep. The pain gets even worse and then I have to get up and move around a little to ease some of the pain in my hips, legs and head. Since the passing of my Aunt in December 2010, I have not heard from my mother or siblings at all . We helped clean my Aunts house and since then no word from them. It was as tho we suddenly developed a disease, my heart hurts at times because I can not for the life of me figure what has happened to cause the communication to stop so abruptly. They live about one block from us and a phone call away.Why? What happened, I am stunned and numb most of the time. I guess that is good because  it helps me so I don't get all worked up over it all the time. I feel that it is not my place to call and apologize or whatever it is they want. I have always said "I'm sorry!" even tho the problem was no cause of mine, or so I felt that it wasn't.When I talk about we in the matter of communication stopping, that is including my children.My mothers grandchildren! I am sick and tired of living sometimes and especially when my own blood family won't even say boo to me or care whether we need them . I came here to be close to my mother because she begged me to. She told me that we would help each other with our disabilities,do things together and help with things that needed done. I have never felt as tho my mother wanted or needed me around. It felt good when she asked me to come to be closer to her. I fell for it again! Now, I just hope I can get a little sleep today, I am tired!

1 comment:

Dyamia said...

I hurts me to know that our family is so petty. For all the trouble they have put you through in your life and they still keep playing the same games blows my mind. I just hope that someday you can put it all behind you. I know you love them but they have hurt you so many times that giving up that part of your love for them will ease your pain. Just always remember that your children love you and always will.